An emotional experiment

I went for a walk today, like I do every day, just to get my dog a little exercise. Today though, I was feeling different; It had something to do with how she tore up the couch last night while I was at work, and it had something to do with my house mates complaining about her demolishing their food and clothing. Of course my feelings can't be separated from the fact that I am financially responsible for all the nonsense she un-does, and I'm supposed to be keeping up with my school work. So when we got to the field I let her off the leash like I always do and watched her tear around for a while, then I riled her up once she had settled down some, just to get as much energy out of her as possible. Then I decided not to put her back on the leash. I just walked away. I called her a bunch and she didn't respond, she never does. But this time I was sick of it. If she didn't come then I was just going to leave her there. And I did. It was much more difficult than I had imagined it would be.

I walked across the field and out to the road, trying not to look back too often, and stopping myself from calling her every five steps. Finally I was out of sight and she hadn't budged. I stopped to wait for five minutes and then told myself to keep going after that. She didn't come. I was very sad... I was angry. I felt let down. Dogs are supposed to be loyal, never leave your side blah blah blah all that bullshit. Well she was no good. She deserved to stay out there. She'd probably come back by nightfall anyway, although I wouldn't be home then. So I kept walking. I thought about telling my friends what I'd done, I thought about calling someone who would tell me to go back and get her, and then I realized that I didn't want anyone's advice. I didn't know why I was doing this either. I didn't know if it would make me any happier or any less in debt. I tried to imagine how I would feel if I saw her in a week being led around by someone else... would I say something? Would she recognize me? Or what if I found her smashed in the road... then I'd be sad. I'd feel guilty. But if she came home at night I'd feed her, and then what? Nothing. So why leave her? Because maybe it doesn't matter that much if she never comes back. I decided finally that if she didn't come back the worst I'd have to face is seeing her as road-kill, and the best would be no more bills. So I kept walking, but I didn't feel any better. I kept turning around and looking behind me. I kept looking across people's backyards and through brush to the field where I'd left her.

A few tears escaped and I sent a message about it to someone who might be my friend, but I didn't feel any better then either. I thought about how I should feel - and decided that I should be relieved. At that moment I had no obligations, I could walk freely back to my house, make myself some food, and get ready to leave for class. I didn't need to go to the store and buy a new collar (unless she showed up), or worry about finding a trainer. At that moment, I should feel happy. It worked for a few seconds while I was thinking about those things, but the feeling didn't linger.

I heard jingling and little feet flying, I looked behind me, and there she was! Running down the street toward me. I was more startled than happy. She ran right past me, but she stayed close. I didn't even try to pat her or say anything to her... I was suspended. She took off into someone's yard and I just kept walking. So she did feel some attachment to me, so what? She's still crazy, she's still destroying my life, she's still not coming when I call her, but she's here now because she wants to be. Then I felt a little better. I still didn't feel happy... though I decided I felt contented.

It was weird, how I was thinking about my feelings instead of feeling them. But contentment seemed like the right way to describe the steady feeling in my stomach. Or did I just mistake euphoria for happiness and contentment for sadness and have no concept of a level mediocrity? Did I just feel unhappy with contentment before because I thought happiness could be maintained constantly? Happiness is a momentary state like sadness or excitement, or any other emotion - but the baseline is contentment, perhaps. And if so, then maybe I've just been sad because I my expectation was happiness. What's wrong with settling for mediocrity? It's easier, more attainable...

Is that all?